I used to think about depression and all mental problems like just they have one imaginary friend extra. With time, life showed, that everything is not what it’s looks like – and usually problems are much more complicated, than you think at first sight. Remember when they told you “you will understand, when you grow up”? It never comes.
Looking back at childhood, i could imagine many good and bad memories. Every single event, was important lesson – and only purpose was not making same mistakes twice. But today problems are not that different, from what it felt that day. Maybe i’m just mad – or its the world?
I didn’t felt that i got depression. It was feeling, that open your eyes widely in the middle of a night with cold sweats – whispering that SOMETINHG IS WRONG. That feeling, which makes you sure that the world is collapsing, that you are dying, that everything that could ever happen IS WRONG.
Firstly it was just disturbing, then started to be annoying, when the anger goes away, emptiness of your heart starts to fill with depression. EVERYTHING changed. So terribly slow that i even didn’t realize that it changed.
When it become sure that it’s not ok? When i started to talk – and people around me said that i shouldn’t think that way – but i really was. And even if I didn’t want to, I already thought the wrong way.
Psychiatrist only confirmed me in conviction that I did not like people at all, even when they are clean, well educated, wealthy and specialist. Trying to transform me into experimental rabbit, to test different drugs, I happen to found myself paying for something I didn’t like and didn’t want to do, so i stopped.
When you don’t mind if you eat, sleep or take care of hygiene life becomes struggle with your own mind. Every single thought can paralyze you and made you impossible to move or do. Every bad memory feels like cold hands on your through and shoulders. Ready to cry every second – whatever you say.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Feel yourself, realize what’s going on and change. Eliminate stress factors, inspire and don’t give up. Learn more, understand more and breathe more. Try joga, long walks and art. Even if you are really bad at something – but it’s fun for you – you shouldn’t quit.
don’t quit yoursefl